kris and junior love


.:stand in the rain:.

[if i could, i would tell you how i feel]

Writer's Block: School daze
kris and junior love
Did you remain at the same school(s) or transfer to a number of different schools growing up? How did your early educational experiences impact your self-esteem and confidence?

Pretty much from day one in kindergarten, most of my classmates and I had issues with each other. As the years went by, it just got worse, and finally I decided I needed to get out of there in 7th grade. I moved to another public school about 15 minutes away from my house for the end of middle school and never had I made a better decision.

When people ask me if I made the right choice to move vs just sticking it out where I was at, there is no hesitation when I tell them it was the best decision I've ever made in my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I have met some of my closest friends at this place, and, dare I say it, fallen in love (?)--but that's another can of worms completely. I can't imagine not having been in that school system and I used to wish I'd been there from day one. Now, I'm almost glad in a strange way that I went through what I did at the old school, because it led me to something so much better.

Yes, the experiences in my younger school days traumatized me; I still have horrible trust issues, even with friends, and my self-esteem will probably never be 100%. On the bright side, college has changed me for the better, I think, and I've been able to gain some of my confidence back. It's not all there, but it's coming along.

Where would I be right now if I hadn't done that? I actually think about this a lot...I wonder how my life would be different--would I have the same job as I do now? Would I be at this university? My life could have been vastly different. I don't wish for that, for it to be different, but it's interesting to think about sometimes.

16. January
kris and junior love
Speaking of trying to hold on to my past...

just when I convince myself that I can let go some, that no one back there really needs to talk to me anymore, someone totally unexpected pops up and makes me hurt again.

Not that I mind my roommate and her boyfriend being here, I honestly don't, it's just that when you thought you'd have the apartment to yourself for a few hours it's kind a downer when that doesn't happen. It's like: now what do I do?

This whole knitting thing--well, I really learned at a good time. It's exactly the kind of thing I need to keep myself grounded. If the shit gets crazy, I just have to pull out that project and work on it for a while. It reminds me that I'm not insane. Or at least I don't think so...

Really, I'm just practicing for when I become the Crazy Cat Lady.


January 14, 2010
kris and junior love
I don't know what I need. I'm not sure what it is that even keeps me sane. I have this insatiable urge to just...I don't even know what. Cry? Maybe. I think--no, I know that my life isn't so bad. Things can always get worse, no matter how bad they seem. True, my car doesn't work right now and will probably cost a good deal of money I don't have to fix. True, I'm trying to suppress feelings during the day that my subconscious mind obviously likes to draw out when I have no control (if my dreams are anything to go by). Sure, I'm hanging on to a past that doesn't really want nor need me anymore and that makes me sad, but how am I supposed to change that?

Hanging on isn't the problem. I can latch myself to something and never let go. The problem is having someone on the other end willing to hold on to ME if I start to slip. There are three true connections that I still have; one will cease to exist in a matter of six to seven months, one gives me the feeling that they don't want me around anymore, and the third...well, that one is up for interpretation. If I keep the part of the connection I want with this third person, I'll have to give up the connection to the whole. I know this doesn't make any sense to an outsider (outside of my mind, that is); as if I expect anyone to read this at all. So really, it doesn't matter all that much. I can ramble to my heart's content. No one but me will have to make sense of it later.

In short, I'm afraid of losing it.

But how can you lose something you don't really have anymore?

I want to go back to sleep because before I woke up today I was mostly happy. That sounds absurd, but apparently only my subconscious mind knows how to keep me sane. Alas, if only it would leak out into my waking state.

I need to get it together.

kris and junior love
Things to be done:

[in no particular order...]

1. figure out why my car hates me. and then fix it.
2. start reading for brit lit. which i should have been doing over break. oops.
3. do laundry.
4. cook dinner.
5. take a shower.
6. fret and sweat over what the coming semester will bring.
7. buy the rest of my books...goodbye hard-earned money.
8. get it the fuck together.
9. put him at the back of my mind.
10. bed at a decent hour would be awesome.
11. stay sane for the next 5-6 months.

(no subject)
kris and junior love
"I'm just kind of losing my faith with humanity."

So easily distracted...
kris and junior love
trying to write my term paper and I rearranged the 6 mt dew cans on my desk so they were all staring menacingly at the one coke can.

dr cullen

(no subject)
kris and junior love
Here I am, once again, bitching about final exams. What else is new?

I have decided that Syntax (aka: the art of sentence diagramming) is the spawn of the Devil, or some other satanic figure. I keep saying, this is like some components of algebra: when will I ever do this in life?? I fully understand that it's important to teach us the use and proper placement of the subject, verb, direct object, etc in a sentence...but WHY does there have to be an entire 3 credit course that I'm paying thousands of dollars for completely devoted to making sentence diagrams? (That's about 3.5 months, by the way...) Well, whatever, at least I'm not diagramming poetry. *Gag*

On that note, my Modernism class's final ought to be interesting. At the beginning of the semester we bought 15 books from the campus bookstore that would be taking us through the stages of modernism in literature and beyond. Fifteen. And not all fifteen of these lovely little books were simply novels either...most of them contain a large amount of short stories and poems, most of which we've read to accommodate our syllabus. No big deal right?


What is the final entailing, you may ask? Well, I would be happy to clue you in: our professor has seen fit to randomly select a number of excerpts from a selection of the pieces we've read over the semester from which we will have to identify the author, the title of the piece, and answer in short essay format "what it's importance is".

Excuse me, dear professor, did it perhaps escape your attention that we may have had other classes this semester besides yours? GASP! I am sure I'm not alone in the assumption that many of my classmates read a lot more than just the stories contained in these 15 books. How. in. the. hell. are we supposed to pass this test? I don't know about everyone else, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna look at one of these passages and go "Oh, of course! That's so-and-so's writing from *insert obscure story title here*!"

It'll be more like: "Oh...yeah...that's...that one guy...who wrote that one...thing....."


Oh, other than that it's smooth sailing, as they say. My Mythology professor somehow decided that he would only be testing us on the Odyssey, versus the entire semester and for my fiction writing class...well, I have quite a few things to write yet for that, but no tests. Ah, and did I mention that modernism douche-bag professor is ALSO having us write another 5-6 page PAPER comparing two or more of the works we've read?? Honestly, I'd like to tell some of these faculty members to pull their heads out of their asses, because apparently being in the school system for over half of their lives hasn't allowed them to understand they aren't the only ones in the world.

I think my ranting may have something to do with the fact that I'm camped out in the library--everyone around me quietly working away at their laptops and studying notecards while I sit here and wish I'd paid closer attention to detail in my modernism readings. We should revolt, really. I wouldn't be opposed. At least give me a cheat sheet on my Syntax final. That'd be great, thanks so much.

I think that's all I have to say on the matter for now...although, I'm going to be in this library for a while so chances are, I'll need another study break and I probably won't be all sunshine and roses when that time rolls around.

Imitation of Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club
kris and junior love
Every time I see them, they tell me it will be ok.

I have scars, but not the physical kind. My scars are internal, like the ones you really don’t want to talk about.

I don’t want to talk about it.

But I do, I have to, because otherwise they might never heal the right way.

Maybe they aren’t supposed to heal at all.

“We can help you”, they say. “We can help you forget.”

But what if I don’t want to forget, I ask. What if remembering is a part of healing?
You try and forget.

My father pulls me aside at family Christmas and tells me to man up. He knows that because he left three fingers and a toe in Korea, he can tell me these things. Maybe he’s right. I don’t really care. It wasn’t my choice to be born to a manly father. It wasn’t my choice to be born at all.

You ice it over, forget the pain.

I sit there and think that it wouldn’t take much to reverse the choice that my parents made. It would be pretty easy. There are plenty of ways, plenty of means to an end.

An end that I would greet with open arms.

i really wanna know...
kris and junior love
where in the hell did "FML" come from? seriously..i mean i use it ALL the time, but where did it start? Who was sitting there thinking of better ways to say my life sucks? i'm grateful, don't get me's an understatement when i say 'all the time' but i really want to know.

took a chemistry test today. it sucked BALLS. i thought i was going to do at least semi-ok....ha. well, i won't know for a while i'm sure, but i bet it wont be an A.

yeah, see? I used it.

people are going note crazy on facebook today--nuts. i'm usually the one with the massive amount of notes on that stupid thing. stupid, but ahhh do i love it.

alright...time for the webshow. well, whenever biist gets here. hurry upp woman!
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